(I’m unable to post this nonsense on Twitter, the raw-sewage social media platform, because it enforces an arbitrary character limit on those who don’t give Elon money that he so desperately needs, so here you go! …I mean, Elon really needs your money, though! He’s going to bring everyone to Mars, a planet that literally cannot support life! The GOAT!)

THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN 2026, OK? GET READY, EVERYONE!

A 54-year-old TikTok user from Ohio will “go viral” and become an “Internet sensation.” All he will ever post are seven-second videos of himself falling down while yelling “WHOOPSIE DOODLE!”, set to sound effects from Three Stooges films. He will instantly become America’s darling. Teenagers by the thousands will begin posting their own TikTok videos emulating him. He will be interviewed on various late-night television talk shows. Your preschool-aged daughter will immediately smile when you mention him to your spouse and say that she wants to watch “that funny man” again. There will be an unfunny joke about him in a Saturday Night Live skit that the live audience will laugh at. Life will be good. Five months later, it will be uncovered that this man has been systematically grooming underage girls for “sexual favors” since he was 22, and he will be “cancelled.” The copycat videos will disappear from TikTok. The late-night talk show hosts will wash their hands of responsibility for their interviews. Taylor Swift will call him a “bad man” in her own interviews and again be canonized by all of humanity. Despite all this, a privileged few from the People’s Republic of China will continue to earn money off his videos until they die. Each of them will own seven mansions, and they will take extravagant vacations together to “exotic locales” on a monthly basis. They will recline on the empty beach, in the sunlight, and share a laugh.